1. He lives his life a tightrope/ His secrets are not there to behold/One anarchy stop sign won’t change his mind/His lips are blue from the cold
2. Where is my conviction?/I lost it somewhere on the borderline/Terms of endearment you whisper so frequently/You make the dinner/I pour the wine
3. You know the shores of Zambia/And the Pacific Sea/You know the waves of Donegal/But you don’t know me
4. I like your suit and tie/And your hazel green eyes/The way you stroke my hair when I cry/You like my adipose/And my 50s style clothes/The way I bypass your lips for your nose
5. Why do I think about you?/It’s a crime the time I waste each day/So do you know how much I love you?/I guess I will try to say goodbye
1. You are my muse/The things you do/Drive me crazy you are such an asshole/Love comes at a price/I am the mothering type/Your own Oedipus complex
4. He is the moon/Reflecting this light/Controlling tides of revelations/Night fades away/Dawn raises a glass/To the sun and escalation of day
1. The first convulsion wasn’t as sharp a shock/I just need a little air I’ll be fine/Drink up your pity/Intoxicating as dependency and beer and wine
2. All I need is your bones/I never get my fill/The life support is your sacrifice, your moans/I’m living for the chase, the thrill
4. You want my touch, my taste/But I’ve given it away/To the disillusioned, the frantic and the poor/And behind those green eyes/Desire fades away/To frustration/Resignation/Another hour to endure
1. The landscape’s very Tolkien/In your sleeping beauty tale/With the princess of obscurity/And a boy who’s getting laid
2. You are stoned/You are alone/And it makes sense/After all those years that you spent on the fence/You cheat, you lie/I rationalise, I cry/Maybe we work because we both want to die
I was going to write a post about encouragement but then I saw the Mandela movie and I am now too riled with anger to deal with my emotions. So I will write about encouragement tomorrow and try and articulate my rage today. I will be writing a calm and hopefully eloquent piece on the need for unity when seeking civil rights soon, but this is not that piece.
I live in a world of calm down. I live in a world where anger is not acceptable. I live in a world of not rocking the boat. Of moving on. Of getting over it. Of shutting up. I live in a world where legitimate anger is equated with hate and the concept of equality means that oppressive damaging bullshit stances must be given equal time and respect as the need for basic human rights for all people.
I live in a world that has forgotten its history. I live in a world that is so “post-oppression” that it cannot bear to admit the inequalities its people still face. I live in a world that shrugs off the past. I live in a world in which the fear of losing power incites violence and misinformation and pain. I live in a world where the pain of being oppressed is equated to the pain of having your privilege pointed out.
I live in a world that equates the feminist movement to Nazism. I live in a world that tells me that my “heterophobia” is wrong. I live in a world in which it is unacceptable to be overweight. I live in a world where teachers are legally fired for being gay. I live in a world where hospitalised trans* people are not shown basic compassion. I live in a world where any discussion of women’s rights is derailed with “What about the men?” I live in a world where I cannot report the crimes of my rapist. I live in a world where I have multiple friends who have been sexually assaulted and didn’t even know that saying no was an option.
I live in a world where unarmed people of colour are shot in the head and their killers go free. I live in a world where holding the hand of a member of the same sex can get you put in jail. I live in a world that offers scholarships to oppressed groups and then gives them to “allies” i.e. cishet white people. I live in a world where people make Powerpoints on Tumblr to defend their racism. I live in a world where MRAs exist. I live in a world where Coca Cola will make an ad with a same sex couple in it and then cut the scene before it goes on air.
I live in a world where I fight only with words and yet am seen as the enemy.
And you have the audacity to tell me that my anger is not legitimate? You have the nerve to tell me to calm down?
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22, ESV)
I live in a world that I have forgiven. I live in a world that I will again forgive. But its mistakes, its injustices, its past – I will not forget.
I checked before writing this, but this is my only confession of 2013. Which means that Kate, of sharing all her thoughts and feelings on the internet fame, felt no need to cry about eating disorder thoughts in a public forum all year. Well done me. This has a lot to do with a) Jesus, b) dealing with underlying problems rather than masking them with maladaptive coping behaviours and c) deciding to face problems head on. But enough of that.
Last weekend was a difficult weekend. Not for any traumatising or psychologically damaging reasons. Quite simply, I had to see the American off as he returned to Texas, and this was contrary to my desire for him to be near me. What worried me, however, was that although intellectually I knew I was upset, I was actually quite chipper. Sunday morning I woke up super early, relatively perky, and with the strong pervading thought of starting a new diet. What the hell, brain?
(Side note: Thanks to FYP stress and two vomiting bugs in quick succession, I lost about a stone quite quickly in the last semester. I found this great. Christmas is undoing all this unhealthy weight loss. My brain is not responding well.)
The point of writing all this is the importance of being aware. Of being aware of your reactions to unpleasant situations. Being aware of your own maladaptive coping mechanisms. Being aware of the subconscious habit you have of not wanting to feel sadness (for reasons or for no reason). Being aware of the fact that losing weight will not make the Atlantic Ocean one iota smaller. Being aware that losing weight will not make you one iota of a better person. Being aware that you are no less valuable as a size 16 than as a size 4 (thank you Mary Lambert). Being aware that you are a work in progress but that you are beautiful just the way you are. Being aware that being sappy and lame doesn’t make these things any less true.
My writer’s block is fixed. Sort of.
ART IS GREATER THAN ALCOHOL.
I do like dates. I’ve mentioned this many times but its true. I went on a date yesterday and it was awesome. Trad and old man bars can’t be beat, especially when it came in at less than a tenner (I drank a lot of diet coke.)
I tend to be broke. I’ve also mentioned this many times before. So I like my dates to be cheap and cheerful. So here’s some stuff to do when your wages don’t want to make friends with wine.
10 Cheap Date Ideas
- Home movie night – its been done to death but its still way cheaper than going to the cinema. Plus you can watch gangster movies and make inappropriate comments. Et cetera.
- Play board games – play strip board games if you’re feeling saucy.
- Go to an art gallery – pretend you understand all the nuances of art. Act pretentious. Drink free wine if they’re offering.
- Go on an adventure – even if this just means wandering around your suburb. Look for places to hide. Make up background stories for loitering teenagers. Hold hands.
- Cook! – I don’t care how un-feminist-ly traditional it is, I like cooking dinner for people. It’s why people keep me around.
- Get your skates on – roller or ice depending on the time of year. Laugh when you fall on your ass 🙂
- Go to the park – Or forest as the case may be. Hit up the playground until the warden throws you out for being old.
- See a band – local bands are usually free and surprisingly good. Then hit up a nightclub on a monday. Free too.
- See some animals – go to the zoo or the aquarium or a farm. If even that is too dear, go to a shelter and see if any cats or dogs break your heart enough to take one home. Inevitably leaving you with less money.
- Get the shift – no explanation required.
Every year leading up to 14th, off I would spout about corporate sellouts and deragotory use of loce to make money etc etc in the lonely girl spiel. And I still think that old Valentine’s Day is a company created excuse to fill the lull between Christmas and Easter. But deep down, like every other teenage girl, I wanted someone to go on a date with, to make a stupid card for, to give a festive hug to. And it was much easier to mask this behind a blanket of disdain than admit it.
This year is different. For the first time ever, I have absolutely no desire to be anything but single. I still adore romance, love being in love and think it is epicly sweet to see some couples (you know, the non-disgusting-PDA type) do as they do. But I also love my annual Anti-VDay Single Ladies dinner (boyfriendless chinese food since 2008.) I love my 4.75 mile run this morning, not having to worry about meeting up with anyone afterwards. And I love that there is a man who will always love me and make an awesome three course meal for his women (thanks Daddy!)
So happy VDay Kids. Make it a good ‘un.
It’s as if all the molecules in your body start screaming
Your absence runs through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its colour.
And do me a favour, and ask if you need some help!
She said, do me a favour and stop flattering yourself!
How to tear apart the ties that bind, perhaps fuck off, might be too kind,
Perhaps fuck off, might be too kind