Everything hurts. My hips. My stomach. My head. And I have an overwhelming urge to cry but am physically unable to and also have no legitimate reason to cry except for bus sadness, which is to say, random sadness for no reason. And even though it is not working in terms of improving my emotions, I want scripture to make me appreciate the joy and opportunity that the Lord provides me. And I don’t want to deal with it. But I want to want to deal with it.
After an unproductive and icky day, I decided to try and write some choral music. What I have learned from this process is that it is really hard to be all the people in a 6 line piece and although most of the dissonance is intentional, some of it is me just screwing up and non wanting to try again.
In other news, I hurt my neck by not paying attention while doing crunches and apparently I eat nothing but cheese bread now.
On the plus side, I watched Dr Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.
I am not setting big goals for the year. I am going to try and do some small things to make January better. This includes, but is not limited to, the following:
1. Moisturising after showers. I get really dry skin (especially my hands) which means I scratch and get tiny cuts on my skin because of the cold. There is also an element of having to touch your skin which will in itself improve my body acceptance issues. Hopefully.
2. Put on chapstick before my lips crack. See above.
3. Make difficult decisions based on reason and sensibility rather than impulse and emotion. I have an awful tendency towards impulsive behaviour.
4. Tidy my room once a week. This will avoid the mess related upset I face each month.
5. Buying new tights and underwear and throwing out old tights and underwear that should have been thrown out a long time ago. I am a mess.
Happy January kids x
I would write a year in review post, but that would involve legitimate brain activity, of which I have none. Currently it is 2pm, I have been up all of an hour (again thanks to my mother), my head hurts, I am super tired, my ovaries are cramping, and I am overwhelmed with the the urge to engage in various maladaptive coping mechanisms, which range from not eating to overeating to drinking all of the whiskey that the world can provide to dating and attempting to change all manner of broken and emotionally damaged men (I don’t know why the damaged people must be men, but this is how my brain has presented it to me.) I have no desire whatsoever to do something productive, like run or pray or work. But in spite of this, I am going to force myself to run and pray and work because even though I feel like crap, these things will make me feel less like crap.
January last year was major low point for me. I had a very triggering placement, which was further exacerbated when I went back to college, which put overwhelming strain on my then-relationship, which ate away at me. The obsession with bridges returned, I was writing drafts of suicide notes, I was hallucinating and dissociating like noone’s business. It was not a pretty time.
But but but. Then God saved me. I started going to Church and reading Scripture and I found the strength to do other useful things. Like going into counselling again, returning to my psychiatrist, helping the people around me, contacting Rape Crisis to actually deal with my underlying issues.
In 2013, I was baptised, read the Bible, joined worship team, and found Christian fellowship.
In 2013, I was President of Out in UL and did my best to support my babies and maintain the safe space I had found when I first came out.
In 2013, I educated myself on the importance of intersectionality.
In 2013, I did fun things like go to London, join debating, danced in Costellos (a lot), made new friends from foreign lands, cried and laughed and did all manner of things.
I am having a bad couple of days and it would be all too easy to go back to bed and try and wait it out. I am thankful that I have the family support that doesn’t allow me to do this and gives me the push to fight it. But I am hopeful for 2014.
Beaucoup d’amor, kids x
I checked before writing this, but this is my only confession of 2013. Which means that Kate, of sharing all her thoughts and feelings on the internet fame, felt no need to cry about eating disorder thoughts in a public forum all year. Well done me. This has a lot to do with a) Jesus, b) dealing with underlying problems rather than masking them with maladaptive coping behaviours and c) deciding to face problems head on. But enough of that.
Last weekend was a difficult weekend. Not for any traumatising or psychologically damaging reasons. Quite simply, I had to see the American off as he returned to Texas, and this was contrary to my desire for him to be near me. What worried me, however, was that although intellectually I knew I was upset, I was actually quite chipper. Sunday morning I woke up super early, relatively perky, and with the strong pervading thought of starting a new diet. What the hell, brain?
(Side note: Thanks to FYP stress and two vomiting bugs in quick succession, I lost about a stone quite quickly in the last semester. I found this great. Christmas is undoing all this unhealthy weight loss. My brain is not responding well.)
The point of writing all this is the importance of being aware. Of being aware of your reactions to unpleasant situations. Being aware of your own maladaptive coping mechanisms. Being aware of the subconscious habit you have of not wanting to feel sadness (for reasons or for no reason). Being aware of the fact that losing weight will not make the Atlantic Ocean one iota smaller. Being aware that losing weight will not make you one iota of a better person. Being aware that you are no less valuable as a size 16 than as a size 4 (thank you Mary Lambert). Being aware that you are a work in progress but that you are beautiful just the way you are. Being aware that being sappy and lame doesn’t make these things any less true.
Instead of getting into the nitty gritty, here is a quick summary of how I’m getting on with my list
Watch every episode of Breaking Bad
This is something everyone should do. Five series. Best five series of your life, I promise. Chemistry, Aaron Paul, the ruining of Malcolm in the Middle forever, and a super satisfying ending.
Watch every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
This was longer. Seven series of 22 episodes each. It was still awesome. Its all the feminism and vampires that Twilight is so sorely lacking. Plus 90s everywhere.
Watch Shawshank Redemption
It took 21 years, but yes, it is a great movie.
I’m sorted for the next ten years and my picture isn’t half bad. Success!
Go to an Aquarium
I went to Sealife in Bray when I was working summer camp. I may have spent more time telling kids to not stick there hands in the water than actually looking at fish but there were sharks at the end and ice cream was a thing later in the day so it is all good.
Swim in the Ocean
Also a summer camp endeavour. I went in fully clothed (well… bright yellow polo shirt and shorts), ruined the company phone by forgetting it was in my pocket, dragged 8 year olds around on the back of a boogie board, and did all this without getting burnt. I love the ocean 🙂