I’m not going to lie: this is far from an easy post to write, so unsurprisingly, its coherence is shaky and ommissions are frequent, with many a detail undocumented. But I’m going to write it and become accountable and responsible and all that jazz that comes with being a grown up. In many ways, 2010 was the worst year of my life. And yet, some of the most amazing times I have experienced have occured in the last 12 months. How I saw things during the year was altogether very dependent on how half-full or half-empty I was seeing the glass on any given day.
I’ve been told I have bad coping skills. I think I’ll agree. When it came to my first breakup, I was fine for a week before I went a day without much food, almost fainted off a bike in spinning class and cried all the way home. On top of this, I sat the HPAT, the most terrifying test I have done to date. I prepped for my Leaving Cert by studying from the moment I came home until bed time (with breaks for Grey’s Anatomy.) I was violently ill multiple times, including before my Chemistry exam and at Oxegen. Poor mom had to to listen to me bawl about how much I hated 6th Year many a time. I was a flaming disgrace at Mardi Gras. I had a few run ins with the boy of the aforementioned break up. I ate until I wanted to vomit and then I ate some more. I went without food and ran. I was completely overwhelmed by Medicine and left. I went from around 135lbs to 104lbs in 9 months. I have had days when I have wanted to do nothing but stay in bed. I hit rock bottom in Cork, summarised by an expensive ready meal.
But on the other hand…
I had the greatest school days of my life with the best friends ever. I turned 18. I started singing with Dad in the pub. I got 590 points in my Leaving Cert. I had X Factor nights. I had an epic time in summer camp. I spent a lovely three months with the only boy to every treat me nicely, and am luckily still his friend. I went out on the town – and to the Coach. I got Medicine – and in dropping out, realised what I actually want to do with my life. I finally got the courage to say that I needed to get help and I am finally working on getting healthy. Sinead introduced me to the most beautiful place in Ireland – and taught me to fish. I found yoga – saving my life one asana at a time. I gave up caffeine and alcohol. I found a doctor who just seems to get me. I came home. I made excellent friends in my brief time in UCC. I had the opportunity to tutor and teach. I found inspiration and support through blogging, books and the people around me.
2010 was hard. And I’m not writing this for pity or advice or what have you. 2011 could be just as difficult but by writing all this down, I can try and make sure I don’t let things get that bad again. I have to keep reminding myself that it was worth it. I am on the road to being physically and mentally stronger than I have ever been. I am learning to get my priorities straight. I am learning to exercise for fun, not calories, and am rediscovering food, fun and being social. I want 2011 to be the year I run 10k, the year I climb a mountain, the year I find balance, the year I face my demons, the year I accept things for what they are, the year to find a happy weight, the year to learn the things I love, the year I undo seven years of bad habits and take responsibilty, the year I open up and the year I show my family and friends how much I appreciate them.
2011 is the year to build some character and bang out the goods.
I’ll keep you posted kids.