Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I don’t know yet.
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I don’t know yet.
My mopey writing must be getting boring. So I’m returning to 50 questions. I’ve been doing these for far too long to only be on question 16. Anyways, Ciara is amazing. As is Beyonce. These two ladies were my get out of bed motivators today and I love them.
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
It’s silly I guess but I wish I had the guts to go out and get gigs. All on my lonesome and playing what I want to play and spending time and committing to getting good and actually making money off of it. There are lots of reasons why I’m not doing this. Time constraints. Pleasing an audience with songs that they like rather than what you like. Not having adequate connections in the music scene here.
But there are other things holding me back. Fear. Inadequacy. Comparison to my other musician acquaintances who are all doing degrees in music and basing their lives off of it whereas I took the safe nursing career path. Instability. Lack of social skills. All summed up by not believing in myself.
But I digress. I shouldn’t complain. I am very grateful for my music opportunities. I get to teach and sing at weddings and sing with my father and sing in community centres for the elderly and, best of all, I get to play in the band in church.
So no more doom and gloom.
I cried for the first time in months last night. About personal things, about queer things, about oppression and human rights, about the fact that I can’t change things. It was overwhelming and relieving all at once, and the urge still remains. Poor Tom and Ciara, the constant witnesses to my disgrace.
As my subscribed readers (of which there are 100! what?!) probably noticed, I didn’t blog much in the latter part of 2013. But I did things on my list! I would write full posts to explain these things because some of them are pretty awesome and I could wax lyrical about them, but so much time has elapsed that I feel a sum up is more appropriate. So here are some of the things I did in 2013:
Learn to crochet
I got a crochet hook with a knitting magazine and got bored one morning over the Christmas. The back of the magazine paired with some Youtube videos and I could crochet. I haven’t done a whole ton yet, but I love how fast it progresses so its a skill I definitely want to develop in the coming year.
See Amanda Palmer in Concert
This really does deserve its own post but time has passed. She was amazing. There was no drummer but there was a string quartet, Jherek Bischoff blew my mind with his bass playing and he signed my bass strings ( ❤ ), I went to a ninja gig during the day and she played Oasis at my request, and I cried my eyes out when she played a new song “Bigger on the Inside.” Amanda Palmer is my inspiration and I could fangirl here all day but I won’t. You should, however, look up her music and her art and all her social media.
Go abroad with friends
Over the summer, Andrew, Ciara, Tom and I went to London. We watched Tom be awesome as an international wheelchair rugby player, we saw Camden and Chelsea and all the museums (including the Sherlock Holmes museum) and I made everyone ridiculously uncomfortable. Which we will never talk about again.
Read the Bible
It took 6 months to read the Bible in its entirety and it was the best thing I ever did and I continue to read it still.
Visit three new places in Ireland
I went to Sligo town and Bundoran with T (way back when) and Bray with Summer Camp. Ireland is a lovely place.
Make a cushion
I did this at Elevate’s Women’s Day, which is proof that crafts are awesome. The pillows went to the Simon Community and it was a lot of fun.
So I did things! Huzzah! More things in 2014!
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
A lot of things make me happy. Books. Disney characters. Tumblr. Good coffee. Holding hands with lovely people. My sparkly beautiful group of queers. Babies (particularly my adorable cousin Sebastian). Mezzo soprano arias. God. Skinny boys in suits. Red lipstick. Queer older couples. Flan Costello’s sticky floor.
Those things are not everyone’s taste (the latter particularly is the Marmite of Limerick.) Sometimes it’s frustrating when people don’t get it. Sometimes it’s frustrating to be out and about and be sick to shit of everything when everyone else is having the craic. But life would be boring if we were all enamoured with the same things.
There’s a balance to be struck. There is some sort of link between scarcity and desire – if I do the same awesome thing every day, I’ll probably start questioning its awesomeness, until I’m not able to do it for a while, then it will be great again. Even things that are only okay, seem so much better when I can’t do them. Just out of reach.
I’ve been trying to convince myself for years that it isn’t things and people that bring happiness. But it isn’t. Its us. Maybe that’s why none of us are the same.
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I could speculate and say that I worry differently or I study differently or I do any manner of deep, intellectual things differently, but I can’t know if other people also get strange intrusive thoughts or have regular hip pain or all the other things that I delude myself into thinking are solely related to myself.
So instead, I will tell you what I know I do differently than most. I use the wrong hands for cutlery. I hold my knife in my left hand and fork in my right hand and I’m not left handed. I have met one other person who does this and I fell instantly in love. Everyone else thinks I’m weird.
Instead of getting into the nitty gritty, here is a quick summary of how I’m getting on with my list
Watch every episode of Breaking Bad
This is something everyone should do. Five series. Best five series of your life, I promise. Chemistry, Aaron Paul, the ruining of Malcolm in the Middle forever, and a super satisfying ending.
Watch every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
This was longer. Seven series of 22 episodes each. It was still awesome. Its all the feminism and vampires that Twilight is so sorely lacking. Plus 90s everywhere.
Watch Shawshank Redemption
It took 21 years, but yes, it is a great movie.
I’m sorted for the next ten years and my picture isn’t half bad. Success!
Go to an Aquarium
I went to Sealife in Bray when I was working summer camp. I may have spent more time telling kids to not stick there hands in the water than actually looking at fish but there were sharks at the end and ice cream was a thing later in the day so it is all good.
Swim in the Ocean
Also a summer camp endeavour. I went in fully clothed (well… bright yellow polo shirt and shorts), ruined the company phone by forgetting it was in my pocket, dragged 8 year olds around on the back of a boogie board, and did all this without getting burnt. I love the ocean 🙂
I don’t even know if it has been 30 days, but I pray to God every day.
I give up
And I feel I am becoming a better person because of it.