Sometimes, out of nowhere, I get a smack in the face of internalised Bible-bashin’ queerphobia. And I can’t breathe and I feel nauseous and I can’t shed the feeling of existential doom.
There are multiple reasons why this should not happen, including, but not limited to:
1. Having struggled through the clobber passages and gender essentialism of the conservative interpretation of the Bible, I don’t find it holds water (a discussion for a different day)
2. I have been aware of my queerness for over 15 years, and coming out 3 years ago was one of the most liberating things I ever did
3. Personal experience (and science) have shown that it’s near impossible to pray away the gay
And yet, every once in a while, for no discernible reason, I get the Fear. And no matter how logical I try and be about it, in those moments, I can’t shake the feeling that all my Greek word studies and Biblical history and prayer are just a way of “rationalising” my sin, and that lifelong celibacy is the cross to bear on the road to relationship with God. On the flip side, why am I questioning what I know and have read and have trusted to God based on what evangelical culture has relentlessly espoused (in spite of it being an indisputably grey area Biblically?)
I am often challenged by two questions I can derive from Scripture, which I suspect I will be asking until I come face to face with the man Himself:
1. What is the balance between truth (the Law) and grace (Love)?
2. Who are the wolves?