The In Between Time

I don’t blog much anymore. I am on Tumblr a lot. I reblog because other people say things so much more knowledgeably than I ever could (and also because I like Hannibal gifs.) But I feel like I require the catharsis of blogging even though I pretty much can no longer see the point. I originally started blogging because I read a lot of blogs and many of my friends were writing them and at 16 years old it seemed a super cool thing to do. That was six years ago. KateNap is six. That’s over a quarter of my life. In time, blogging became less about being cool and publicly discussing the struggle to pick a university, and more about giving back to a part of the internet that I felt had helped me. I found hope in blogs about the struggle to recover from bulimia, so I wrote about my burgeoning recovery from bulimia. I learned about the queer community, so I wrote about my experience within the queer community. A tit for tat, as it were, for all the help I had gotten from strangers on the internet over the years. 

I look back and wonder whether writing about my life and struggles was in any way useful to anyone or was it simply an exercise in selfish egotism? 

Is there any point to writing articles or writing poetry or writing songs when no one is ever going to read them?

Is blogging, and reblogging, and discussing and talking about sexism and racism and ableism and queerphobia, and trying to be educated, and allying with and defending other oppressed groups ever going to change anyone? Even slightly? Even my own friends? 

Is it sheer narcissism to believe that one person can have an impact, that the negativity and the shade and the arguments are worth it at all?

Is it ridiculous to think that we will ever live in a world where certain people won’t be seen as second class citizens?

The eternal struggle is wondering: what’s the point? Why finish college, why start a family, why attempt activism or alliance, why make an effort, why continue to live in this merciless and unforgiving world, when ‘shut up and sit down and accept that that is the way society is’ is all you will ever gain from it?

I am lost in the time in between trying harder than ever before and just giving up and falling into line with the rest of the world, and honestly, either outcome terrifies me. 

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