This Is Sort Of A Year In Review Post. But Not Really.

I would write a year in review post, but that would involve legitimate brain activity, of which I have none. Currently it is 2pm, I have been up all of an hour (again thanks to my mother), my head hurts, I am super tired, my ovaries are cramping, and I am overwhelmed with the the urge to engage in various maladaptive coping mechanisms, which range from not eating to overeating to drinking all of the whiskey that the world can provide to dating and attempting to change all manner of broken and emotionally damaged men (I don’t know why the damaged people must be men, but this is how my brain has presented it to me.) I have no desire whatsoever to do something productive, like run or pray or work. But in spite of this, I am going to force myself to run and pray and work because even though I feel like crap, these things will make me feel less like crap.

January last year was major low point for me. I had a very triggering placement, which was further exacerbated when I went back to college, which put overwhelming strain on my then-relationship, which ate away at me. The obsession with bridges returned, I was writing drafts of suicide notes, I was hallucinating and dissociating like noone’s business. It was not a pretty time. 

But but but. Then God saved me. I started going to Church and reading Scripture and I found the strength to do other useful things. Like going into counselling again, returning to my psychiatrist, helping the people around me, contacting Rape Crisis to actually deal with my underlying issues. 

In 2013, I was baptised, read the Bible, joined worship team, and found Christian fellowship. 

In 2013, I was President of Out in UL and did my best to support my babies and maintain the safe space I had found when I first came out. 

In 2013, I educated myself on the importance of intersectionality. 

In 2013, I did fun things like go to London, join debating, danced in Costellos (a lot), made new friends from foreign lands, cried and laughed and did all manner of things. 

 

I am having a bad couple of days and it would be all too easy to go back to bed and try and wait it out. I am thankful that I have the family support that doesn’t allow me to do this and gives me the push to fight it. But I am hopeful for 2014. 

Beaucoup d’amor, kids x

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