On Being Aware Of Disordered Thinking

I checked before writing this, but this is my only confession of 2013. Which means that Kate, of sharing all her thoughts and feelings on the internet fame, felt no need to cry about eating disorder thoughts in a public forum all year. Well done me. This has a lot to do with a) Jesus, b) dealing with underlying problems rather than masking them with maladaptive coping behaviours and c) deciding to face problems head on. But enough of that.

Last weekend was a difficult weekend. Not for any traumatising or psychologically damaging reasons. Quite simply, I had to see the American off as he returned to Texas, and this was contrary to my desire for him to be near me. What worried me, however, was that although intellectually I knew I was upset, I was actually quite chipper. Sunday morning I woke up super early, relatively perky, and with the strong pervading thought of starting a new diet. What the hell, brain?

(Side note: Thanks to FYP stress and two vomiting bugs in quick succession, I lost about a stone quite quickly in the last semester. I found this great. Christmas is undoing all this unhealthy weight loss. My brain is not responding well.)

The point of writing all this is the importance of being aware. Of being aware of your reactions to unpleasant situations. Being aware of your own maladaptive coping mechanisms. Being aware of the subconscious habit you have of not wanting to feel sadness (for reasons or for no reason). Being aware of the fact that losing weight will not make the Atlantic Ocean one iota smaller. Being aware that losing weight will not make you one iota of a better person. Being aware that you are no less valuable as a size 16 than as a size 4 (thank you Mary Lambert). Being aware that you are a work in progress but that you are beautiful just the way you are. Being aware that being sappy and lame doesn’t make these things any less true.

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