I have talked about forgiveness before and have posted a basic healing ritual you can do by yourself to help work through some of your issues. Last week involved a lot of panic and anxiety, flashbacks to my childhood, flashbacks to last year, and general weariness, all leading mindless eating to distract myself and no motivation to do anything once I had come home from work.
I was dwelling. Dwelling on those who I felt had wronged me, and then feeling guilty for thinking ill of people, and then questioning whether any of this had even really happened or had I made it all up in my head for attention, credibility, and a whole host of other meaningless reasons.
I was spiralling. I was with Andrew and I had to move away from him and just sit in my panic for a while the other day. And I’m lucky because I’m with someone who isn’t easily scared by things like this. He talked me through my flashback, rationally repeated my main points, and brought me back down to the ground. I am better this week because of it.
When I was 13, I saw the boy who used to bully me in school out in town and it took all my effort not to cry. I saw him years later and was fine because I truly had let go. I have intellectually forgiven the personas in my flashbacks, but I have been nurturing these worries with shame and fear for 16 months and fourteen years respectively. The more I peel way the comforting layers of destructive behaviour, the more that such thoughts surround me.
I worry because I hadn’t given my panic heedance in a while. I worry that time has made these events seem worse than they were in real life. I worry I am making a big deal over nothing. I worry that I should have been a strong enough person to prevent these things happening. I worry that I am a bad feminist and that I am a fraud.
But I have made it this far. I think I can forgive and let go, even if I never forget. It will just take a few more steps.