Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing. I write here about positive body image and eating disorder recovery and having no regrets in life and then I keep the rest hidden away.
I have spent the last month counting my calories daily, weighing myself, body checking, not actually losing weight, planning everything I was allowed to eat, and feeling like crap and going off the wall with binging if I ate chocolate or had a pint with my friends. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to lose weight without watching everything I eat. It is taking all my willpower to ignore the bulimia thoughts (which I am still doing at least) and I’m alternating between over eating and diet eating every day.
Last Sunday, I stayed up until 2am looking at diet plans on the net. This is 2 days after I was reminded of how dangerous and fatal eating disorders can be. No, I am not in danger at all. But I feel like I am perpetually on a slippery slope and I don’t know if I can scramble back or whether I am going to fall off.