The Fear

October 5th is my recovery birthday. It is exactly two years today that I left UCC and decided to make changing my life a priority.

The most important lesson that I have learnt in the last two years is something I realised in my final therapy session 7 days ago. My recovery is not perfect. And maybe it never will be. I now need to make my peace with the fact that I am on the edge and maybe the final product will never look the same as someone who has never had an issue with food. It’s time to come to terms with that and appreciate what I have achieved.

The last week has been one filled with The Fear. I find myself overanalysing everything good in my life, questioning myself on all the choices I havat e made in recent times: choosing recovery, choosing a healthy relationship, choosing a fulfilling course, choosing education. The list goes on. This is probably just my mind reacting to the fact that I am actually quite content and The Fear is not so much the fear of having done wrong, but the fear of not knowing what to do with myself if I don’t spend x hours a day worrying, obsessing and analysing.

For now, I’m hoping it’s enough just to say that, at this moment, everything is okay.

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