I’ve been feeling an awful cloud forming around me for the last few days and whilst it hasn’t been anywhere near the severity of my last episode, the part of my brain that can still think logically (which incidentally is the part which also talks to my nana about knitting) knows that letting myself fester away is only going to let everything build up: the worry, the criticism, the worst case scenarios, the destruction.
I don’t know what set me off. Usually I can trace the apathy and anxiety back to an incident of some such but I’m not sure this time. Maybe it was just a matter of time. Maybe this is just something I will come to expect.
What I’ve noticed is that I am still doing the things that others depend on me for – banquets, Pride stuff, Out in UL. The things I do for myself – exercise, learning, playing music – I’m not too pushed about. Its hard to get myself to go for a walk when I could be sleeping (or binging evidently.) I just can’t seem to get my head in the game.
August is nearing and I’ll be in the busiest A&E department in the region. I have to be together for it. Incidentally, even when an episode and a placement coincide, the actual care of someone else forces the cloud away, if only for a few hours.
I’m officially quitting sugar again on Monday. Pick a date, like quitting smoking. Anticipate. Be ready for it. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start this 30 day fitness challenge from Shape to try and snap myself out of this rut.
More as it comes kids.