A New Feeling Of Recovery

I feel like I’ve hit a different stage of recovering. Quitting sugar is  bit of a revelation. Or maybe, replacing sugar with full fat food has been a bit of a revelation. I’ve been afraid of fat since I was fifteen years old. I’ve been meal planning, calorie counting or generally “on a diet” since I was sixteen. If I wasn’t, I was in full on binge mode. The long and short of it meant I was always thinking about food.

I’m slowly losing weight without trying which I am happy about. But losing weight isn’t changing my self perception in the same way it used to. I still have down days where I long to be thinner. But these are the same days where I long to be funnier, more charming and more traditionally beautiful. These moments still suck but my entire day isn’t changed based on a weight gain of 0.4kg.

The last few days have been sprinkled with a touch of the old “What will I do? I know! Eat!” but I accredit that to a heady mixture of boredom, lots of work and the morning after wine. I will get over that. Everyone has these days so I don’t feel like I’m backsliding in the way I felt I was three weeks ago. I’ll finish with a quick anecdote, as all good posts should.

A few weeks ago in work, we were still short show costumes (we have a costume change after dinner.) I still didn’t have a dress. I tried on dress after dress which looked like they might fit only to realise that they wouldn’t zip. Then two new dresses came in the nick of time, dresses made in my size. When they still didn’t fit, I could feel the tears and the bad thoughts of feeling worthless coming on. Finally, there was some shuffling around of stuff and I have a little red number that fits like a glove. But when the tears start building, its hard to choke them down. Twelve months ago, I would have had a panic attack or gotten sick and been sent home.

This time, I put on my biggest (read creepiest) fake smile (as all good theatre women will) and sang the shit out of the show. At the time, it was my best to date. Maybe I am still fat. But I am so much stronger than I have ever been.


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