Turning 20

On Sunday I will no longer be a teenager. Its fitting, really; the end of my first year of college, the end of another cornerstone of recovery, the end of my childhood. The start of lots of new things. Vice president of Out in UL. Entertainer in a castle. Legitimate adult. I’m excited about these things. Extremely so. And in combining these things, I feel like I am finally forming an identity that is not Kate, the smart girl or Kate, the fat girl or Kate, painfully thin girl who dropped out of medicine. I’m starting to believe that being just Kate is not such a bad thing.

Its moments like these that I am too often reminiscent. This is fine when its the photo book and friends and remembering the times when you were 17 in a country pub and thought you knew everything you possibly could know about the world. Its not so fine when you’re thinking about the times when you drank too much and acted like an idiot, or worse, when you were completely sober and acted like even more of an idiot. The girls who you fought with and the boys who made you cry and the years that had the capacity for pure brutality. In some ways, I am the same. The same things and the same people still have the horrible capacity to reduce me to an impulsive tearful mess. The same things and the same people still inspire me and give me joy. In some ways, I haven’t changed since I was 12 years old.

In spite of this, I am hopeful. For the first time, I can honestly imagine the future. I’ve been weary with life since the grand old age of thirteen and have never been able to imagine myself older than eighteen. Then it was nineteen. And now… I’m hitting my quarter life crisis 🙂 And I can see it, I can see being older, I can see having cats (maybe even kids), I can see being out of education and having a real job. And even if I couldn’t, even if it passes, at least I see myself alive.

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