I remember this time last year being the first of my confessions, the time when I left college and the time when I finally admitted I was sick. It is funny to think back on how I saw the world then. I wanted the world to change around me, I wanted things to sit in their place as I ran the show of my life, I wanted to be happy. But I had no idea how to do any of these things.
If something bad happened, or even if life happened, my confidence, my self esteem, my entire person would crumble into a cesspool of self loathing and I would deal with the situation the only way I knew how – by eating, or as the case may be, not eating.
Today, something didn’t turn out the way I wanted. Far from it actually. And amidst apologies and awkwardness, I explained, not only to others, but to myself how much my attitude has changed in the last twelve months.
Because, dear readers, I have no regrets. In recent memory, in the distant past, I do not need to dwell on what would have or could have been.
Mistakes are mistakes, but we learn not to make the mistake again and if we’re lucky, a different damage may be repaired in the process.
Pain is pain, but we heal, we grow resilient, we become strong, we move closer to being the person we strive to be. We fight for our beliefs, for our friends, for our survival.
Love is…often unrequited. But I’d still rather appreciate one amazing day without resentment or doubt than to muse for too long on what could have been.
Sometimes we cope, sometimes we don’t, other times it is simply impossible. But it is these moments of weakness that teach us to care for others and to love ourselves. It is these moments of despair that allow us to truly marvel at joy.
The only person that gets hurt when you cling to the past is you.
“Everything happens for a reason, even the horrible things,” I say. “I just don’t know what the reason is yet.”
“But how do you know?” says he. “How can you believe that?”
“Because I have to. Or else what would be the point of it all? How else would I survive?”