Natural Ability

Rhythm. Academics. Baking. All things that come to me without much effort, and perhaps thats why I do them. Then there are the things that, maybe take a bit (or a lot) more work, but the ends justify the means. When I was younger, these were acting lessons so I had a further excuse to be on stage (I am an applause addict, people.) These days it means running a lot so I can cross the finish line of all those runs I signed up for. Running (and even yoga, to be honest) takes a lot of work. And not just in the regular “get my fitness up enough so I can run to the end of the block” work. My co-ordination (in spite of 10 years of dance training) is atrocious. My speed, abysmal. I have friends who have barely moved off the couch in the last two or three years who can still beat me in a few miles off the cuff racing and continue to not injure themselves (case in point: my 6 miles this morning quickly became four because I am fairly sure I twisted my ankle. FML.) But I keep running. I keep bending myself into unnatural positions and then fall on my ass so I can someday get up into a headstand. Because, much like the applause I adored as a child, the endorphins and sense of achievement make it all worth it in the end.

Now I ask myself, how can I take this almost ambivalent attitude I have towards exercise and replicate this on my recovery journey? Surely, the ends here also justify the means, no matter how difficult. Part of me, however, has other ideas. In the same way I never gave up music because it came so easily, so it seems the case may be with ED. As little as I am proud of this fact, I am very good at having an ED. I organise, I control, I compensate. I can hide what I am doing and lie without a second thought. I can put a smile and convince the world and its mother that I am fine. I can convince myself that I am fine. But, good as I am, eventually the cracks begin to show.

So I am making a few wishes and I am going to try and be my own fairy godmother.

I wish for balance, to turn the black and white thinking into a rainbow. I wish to let go of overanalysing every comment and glance others make towards my eating and exercise. I wish to be healthy enough to complete a half marathon. I wish that contentedness would be my first priority when making choices.

What are you naturally amazing at? What are your wishes?


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