Shame As A Motivational Tool

My general tendency in life is to jump to the worst possible conclusion. Miss two days of study? FAIL EVERYTHING. Eat a lot of chocolate last night? OBESITY CRISIS. Mistake pointed out in your work? WRONG CAREER CHOICE LIFE RUINED. And then I take these thoughts and I use them to motivate myself to do the “right” thing.

Motivating change is a funny thing. There is a very thin line between motivation and obsession in the same way that the reasons behind the change can be productive or destructive with the same end goal. Shame is a huge indicator of which side of the line you fall on.

I am once again trying to lose weight. I am conscious of what I eat, I have specific plans on my exercise for the week, I am disappointed when I don’t meet those goals and sometimes need to white knuckle through to meet them. Some days I worry if I am slipping back into old habits and then I think of shame. In the height of my ED, I was more than conscious of what I ate. I was so consumed with meeting my deficit for the day that I weighed everything. I weighed lettuce, which is essentially water, for fear of going overboard. I measured calories burnt on my heart rate monitor and wouldn’t allow myself to stop exercising until I had reached 600+ calories burnt. I had no life outside weight loss and situations that might cause deviance from the plan caused my so much stress and panic that I often just avoided social situations.

Looking back on it, I see a lot of similarities between how I treated food and how I treated my work when I was doing my leaving cert. It was all or nothing and since nothing meant overwhelming guilt, I was going to commit all to studying and all to weight loss. In both endeavors, there was no clear end point, just a vague goal of “Get medicine” and “Lose weight.” When I got medicine it wasn’t enough. When I lost weight, I needed to lose more. And I was able to maintain this hellish lifestyle because of that voice in my head that reminded me of the dreaded alternative – a B instead of an A, a size 12 instead of a size 4.

When we look at how we motivate ourselves, it is essential to look at our driving force. Denouncing the use of shame is not the same as letting yourself off the hook and continuing with your damaging behavior (in my case, overeating.) The original damaging behavior is no better because it comes from a place of self hatred. When I am eating my third helping of Tesco brand chocolate, I can easily convince myself that I am making up for all the abuse I put my body through in the past few  years. But cut to an hour later when I am nauseous and bloated, and I feel like shit for overeating, it is all too clear that my “treat” was really a punishment. It is no different from starving myself all day and feeling really proud about it until I faint into my friend’s arms and have to explain the headaches and the hunger pains. Both situations are riddled in detrimental emotion and neither allow for a life outside the food (or whatever change you are making.)

In my life right now, I am trying to lose weight. But I am also working, studying, going out, writing, singing, having fun, and all manner of things in between. Sometimes I don’t have time and sometimes I fuck up (read: the last 10 days.) But today I am getting out of my motivational slump and am determined to push myself back onto the right track. And under no circumstances are the words “not good enough,” “failure,” “too fat/lazy,” or anything remotely similar going to be used in this process. Instead, I remind myself of the extra energy, the extra confidence, the more stable emotions and reactions I felt when my diet and exercise patterns were more balanced. Oh, and I lost a few pounds. But that’s not what is important.

Pave Your Life Roadmap: Re-Evaluating Goals

2012 started about 10 weeks ago, so its right about the time for people to start giving up on their resolutions. One of the best ways of avoiding this trap is to re-evaluate your goals regularly, figure out what is working and what isn’t and whether what you wanted in a flight of new year’s fervour is still what you want now that spring has hit.

When I last left this exercise, I had come up with eight major themes that I value in my life and action plans to score five out five in what I wanted to get out of life (even though I didn’t get into all of them here, I had them safely in my peacock notebook, ready to share now.) It went something like this:

1. Education – 2/5
2. Security – 3/5
3. Organisation – 2/5
4. Personal Growth – 1/5
5. Health and Fitness – 2/5
6. Relationships – 3/5
7. Fun and Entertainment – 2/5
8. Creativity – 3/5

As you can see, I was pretty tough on myself -but the factors for success were important to me.

Education

“If I had a life filled with Education, I would……”

1. Become competent in French
2. Work towards a First Class Honours Degree
3. Achieve my Teaching Diploma in Classical Singing
4. Read once a day
5. Approach everything I do as learning opportunity.

My action plan was to set aside at least 30 minutes each day to read, to become competent in French again, and to work consistently towards msely singing teaching diploma (full details can be found in  the original post.)

And you know what? I haven’t followed my plan exactly – my timings were fine for the Christmas holidays when I was looking to fill the day but they are just not realistic during the college semester. However, I have been reading most days (I am two chapters from the end of a great book that I will review soon,) I took out a French self-teaching book from the library at Christmas and refreshed a good bit of the language and whilst my work on my Dip is sporadic, my presentation is done and I’ve started practising my repertoire again.

New Roadmap Score: 4/5 (I still want to work harder for my Teaching Dip, that essay may kill me)

Creativity

“If I had a life filled with creativity, I would….”

1. Express myself through writing and music
2. Seek out opportunities to perform
3. Have ideas
4. Publish my work in a public forum
5. Design my surroundings creatively and inspiringly

The action plan here was to join Music Soc, work on my set lists, keep track of ideas, write everyday, blog regularly and set up a corner for myself in the extension

Except for writing everyday, I think I have achieved that. I am (pretty) good at keeping posts regular, play a lot more in private and in public (usually in gay bars but who’s here to judge,) post on Youtube and the blog and have a place to get some productive work done

New Roadmap Score: I think it wouldn’t be too far as to say… 5/5 (momentum – keep going)

Organisation

“If I had a life filled with organisation, I would….”

1. Have all my files at easy access
2. Manage my time with lists and goals
3. Participate in keeping up the house
4. Keep on top of assignments and society responsibilities
5. Use my time wisely and consciously

The action plan was to organise my music, notebooks and files so I could actually find things, keep my room and the extension tidy, help out with housework, set monthly goals and write a to do list every morning

All the organising was done soon after the goals were made and although the house can get messy, I try and tidy up once a week at least. Other housework is a different story though (sorry mom!) I am setting monthly fitness goals – but not much else… And although my lists aren’t daily, I write them frequently. Keeps me sharp

New Roadmap Score: 4/5 (I will help around the house soon, I swear)

Health and Fitness

“If I had a life filled with health and fitness, I would…”

1. Maintain a healthy vegetarian diet
2. Exercise 4 hours a week, including running and yoga
3. Participate in group fitness activities
4. Be free of aches and pains
5. Have a routine around my vitamins and medication

The action plan involved signing up for a 10K, doing online challenges, running twice a week, cardio 5 times a week, yoga once a week, eating five times a day and reducing sugar.

After completing my January Sparkpeople Challenge, I decided that I was going to do the 10K in the Great Limerick Run this May (with Little Sister) and so I am running three times a week (win!) Exercise wise I’m pretty happy (except maybe for yoga… the hips can start creaking if I leave it too long) and I am making headway with the food as always

New Roadmap Score: 3.5/5 (I took off an extra half because of the yoga)

Relationships

“If I had a life filled with relationships, I would….”

1. Be honest and kind with people
2. Make time for my family
3. Engage regularly in social and group activities
4. Let go of the fears and flaws that get in the way of healthy relationships
5. Love and be loved

The action plan was to be open to new things, stop making joking criticisms, see my extended family more (especially my Nanas) and have coffee with my Mom once or twice a month to catch up.

I do spend the time with my Mom but I need to see my Nanas more. It shouldn’t be only on occasions and at gatherings that I make the effort, my family should be part of my everyday life.

Joking criticisms… I like to think that maybe its not my gut reaction any more. But then, I only wanted to change that for someone else and that’s not so much an issue now. Still, I am trying my best to open to new experiences and to be honest and kind. I’m back in therapy and it is really contributing to making this a very real aspect of my life.

New Roadmap Score: 3/5 – still needs work!

Personal Growth

“If I had a life filled with personal growth, I would….”

1. Feel comfortable in my own skin
2. Explore my beliefs and spirituality
3. Partake in regular meditation and journalling
4. Make strides in my own recovery (and try to inspire others)
5. Focus on the big picture

The action plan was to go back into therapy, interact with positive people, keep my recovery journal going, do research on different religions, blog three times a, so  week, do self development exercises regularly, daily meditation and have positive expectations of myself in recovery.

I am back in therapy – and it is an even more interesting experience than last time because I am less consumed by the concept of a “food problem” and I am learning a lot. I am exceedingly making more and more strides in my recovery (even if I have my moments) but I am regularly ensured that the therapeutic process is hard and difficult emotions come up, so low moods or occasional tunnel vision aren’t a step back… they are a learning experience.

I am not so great at regularly journalling and meditating (but I have therapy so it is balancing out in the same manner) but I have been far more regular about blogging and that is really more important to me anyway.

Religion wise… still searching for a spirituality that fits… or at the very least, a philosophy that fits my thinking. Until then, I am really enjoying reading the works of HH Dalai Lama.

New Roadmap Score: 3.5/5 - I don’t want to get complacent, I want to keep it going!

Security

“If I had a life filled with security, I would…”

1. Have a savings account
2. Work regularly
3. Be confident in my decisions
4. Plan for the future
5. Be conscious in my actions (re: finances/career)

The action plan involved paying off my overdraft, starting to save, getting more students and applying for a regular job.

I actually far exceeded my expectations here. I still want to be very conscious of my money (I have a tendency to spend a lot on coffee and Subway….) but for the first time in a year, I am out of debt! Thank you UL for the scholarship. And even bigger news, I have a job! I am now a part time Bunratty singer (which is like a singing waitress in 17th costume for banquets in a castle just outside Limerick.) Once I have actual income, I will start saving so I am right on track!

New Roadmap Score: 4.5/5 - must stop spending so much money on Subway….

Fun and Entertainment

“If I had a life filled with fun and entertainment, I would…”

1. Make me-time for self indulgent media (TV, social networking, blogging)
2. Enjoy cross cultural activities such as foreign films
3. Explore the world around me
4. Go to non conventional events such as operas
5. Cultivate my relationships and experiences

The plan was to visit one new place in Ireland and one new place abroad, read travel guides, go to the opera, go to two big society events, read books on different cultures and watch foreign movies.

I have had very little time for my foreign movie fetish but me and Emma do watch Stein’s Gate (anime series) every Friday morning so I’ll take that. I really want to go somewhere this summer, both in Ireland and abroad so that is a work in progress.

I still need to make it to the opera (THIS WILL HAPPEN) but I have been uber involved with societies such as Limerick Choral Festival with UL Choral Soc and lots of stuff with Fan Forum and Out in UL. So I am pretty happy on that front

New Roadmap Score: 3/5 - no big changes yet but its a work in progress

 

So those are my resolutions and I am pretty happy with how they are going. I’ll review them again in another 3 months (if I remember) and hopefully this momentum will be just as strong.

So. Review your goals. Go.

Sugar Withdrawal Day 4

I am four days without sugar and I kind of want to die. Or kill everyone else around me, I’m not quite sure yet.

I do see the benefits. I do not have multiple crashes due to low blood sugar during the day. My binging has pretty much stopped (I know its only been four days but thats still a pretty big deal for me.) I need a lot less food to keep me full because I’m eating lots of protein and unprocessed food.

But right now, in the midst of it, it still kind of sucks. The headaches, the upset stomach, the mood swings. And more than all of them, I have to actually feel my feelings. Turns out that I have a lot of them. And they aren’t that happy that there is no sugar to placate them anymore.

So when anxiety, depression and panic sets in, what do I do now that I can’t suckle on a piece of chocolate?

For one, I’m being a total hippie and meditating a lot. Every morning. It keeps me sane until lunch at the very least and I am becoming slightly less uncomfortable with my raw emotions everytime I just sit down to contemplate and breathe.

I am back on the exercise wagon and have done something active everyday for the last three weeks. Sometimes it is a quick half hour going gung ho with kickboxing, sometimes its a run or a long walk, other times its yoga and on days that I am tired, it might be a simple 10 minutes of some ab work. But doing a little everyday is suiting me a lot better than going insane three or four times a week and utterly dreading it. And it all balances out to around the same amount of time (4-5hours) a week – its just that I actually enjoy it this way.

Last, but not least, I am trying to keep myself busy with the to do list I make every morning. 8-10 things to accomplish during the day so if I’m at a loss at what to do I can just look at my notebook and see that, “oh yes, I wanted to practice three sections of that piano piece” or “I almost forgot tidy my room.”

Hopefully by my next post, I won’t feel so homicidal. I’m off to nurse this headache and watch some Dr. Who.

Setting Goals That Actually Work

First off, go read the original article over at No Meat Athlete.

Now let get down to business.

Setting Goals That Actually Work

Difficulty – 2

The premise of this is that to set goals, we must be inspired by our goals. We must want it so much that we will stay motivated. We pick the things that are REALLY important to us.

Step 1

Under four headings (Personal, Physical, Spiritual, Financial) write down everything you want in life. Everything. You have decades to achieve all this. Think big.

Personal

• Become competent in French
• Visit all the countries in Scandinavia
• Overcome compulsive overeating
• Record an album worth of songs
• Get a teaching diploma in both singing and piano
• Get a performance diploma in both singing and piano
• Let go of fear
• Get a First Class Honours Degree

Physical

• Complete a 10K
• Complete a Half Marathon
• Commit to yoga
• Commit to a healthy vegetarian diet

Spiritual

• Explore different religions and philosophies
• Explore personal spirituality and meaning
• Develop healthy coping mechanisms
• Develop a regular habit of meditation

Financial

• Get a secure job
• Move out of home
• Start a savings account
• Get out of debt
• Get paid for a solo gig

Step 2: Prioritise

Write a one next to the goals you want to achieve in the next year. Aim for 6-12 goals.

1. Overcome compulsive overeating
2. Forget fear
3. Become competent in French
4. Develop a regular practice of meditation
5. Commit to yoga
6. Get out of debt

Step 3: Write down the whys

Why do I want to overcome compulsive overeating?

I want to live contentedly and fully and to add onto the progress that I have already made in recovery. Now that my compensatory behaviours have diminished, I am inspired to work to overcome COE in the same way and regain a healthy body and mind. By doing this, I will become a better nurse, a better daughter and a better friend.

Why do I want to forget fear?

My fear of failure and abandonment is holding me back and keeping me from making strides in my recovery, my relationships and my personal growth. To fully recover and be happy, I must face my fears head on – by working through discomfort, by being kind, open and honest and by becoming a more trusting individual.

Why do I want to become competent in French?

Other than my love of French culture and language, being able to speak French well would mean that the option of working in France or Francophone areas of Canada is a more realistic goal – and both have two of the best health systems in the world.

Why do I want to start meditating regularly?

In the past, meditation has helped me deal with my stresses in a healthy manner. As well as this, meditation is a way to explore my own attitudes, behaviour and spirituality. It also helps me plan my day and quiet my mind.

Why do I want to get out of debt?

I want to feel financially secure for the coming year and depend less on my parents for support. The long term goal would be to move into my own house and have a regular job but being debt free is the first step towards this.

Why do I want to commit to yoga?

Yoga calms my mind as well as relieving the pains I get in my hips and legs. There are countless mental, physical and spiritual benefits to yoga and it is a practice which I keep returning to.

So there it is. My big goals for the new year and why I want these things in my life. Review the whys on a regular basis for maximum success

Pave Your Life Roadmap: Part 2

So we left off yesterday with a pretty big list of passions and a far more organised group of values. Now to the next step.

Step 3: Set the Situation

For each theme you came up with in Step 2, we are going to come up with five indicators to do with that category. One of my values is education.

“If I had a life filled with Education, I would……”

1. Become competent in French
2. Work towards a First Class Honours Degree
3. Achieve my Teaching Diploma in Classical Singing
4. Read once a day
5. Approach everything I do as learning opportunity.

Do this for each of your themes

Step 4: Visual Report Card

Looking at your indicators, how well are you incorporating these aspects in your everyday life? Give yourself a score out of five for each category. In education, I give myself a 2/5 – I want to work on French, my Teaching Dip and consistent reading.

Remember my spider webby thing I promised I’d explain:

This is my visual report card.

Step 5: Action Plan

For each indicator you want to work on, come up with an action plan of how you are going to improve.

To read more consistently, I will make a list of ten books I want to read and set aside at least 30 minutes each day to do this.

To become competent in French again, I plan on reading an article in French everyday, as well as doing a grammar topic and a vocabulary list once a week.

To achieve my teaching diploma, I will spend 30 minutes each a week on my essay, presentation and performance for the exam.

Write these action plans in an achievable manner – I tend to put things in blocks of thirty minutes because it is creating a habit without becoming overly daunting. If you find you need an hour a day or ten minutes a week to start working towards your goal, then do it. No one can make these decisions for you.

SO, that is it, dear readers. If you do spend the time to commit to this exercise, you will reap the rewards. Although it was probably the most difficult exercise to complete, I now have a list of small achievable tasks and activities to work towards my overall goals.

Pave Your Life Roadmap

I first came across this next exercise via Ega Jones, which led me to the Idea Sandbox. I warn you now, it is in depth, relatively time consuming (compared to the other exercises) and wholly satisfying. It is an exercise that you do feel was worth the effort and allows you to really explore your own purpose, goals and actions in life.

Difficulty – 3, because you’d want to do this over a few days

Pave Your Life Roadmap

The full details can be found here with templates and examples galore. Below, I will walk you through my process and results, which I hope inspires you to do it yourself and help guide you along the way

Step 1: List Your Passions

Make a list/mind map/pile of notecards with everything you love to do in life. Make sure its not what you SHOULD do – but what you WANT to do and what you WOULD do if life presented no time or financial constraints.

My mind map included things like performing, reading, travelling, college societies and yoga, as well as a load of other things, below.

 

Step 2: Identify Values

Group all these passions into values – what is important in your life. Whittle and group and reorganise until you go from this

to this:

(I’ll explain the spider webby thing in time.)

And that, my dears is part one of this exercise. Part two tomorrow!

Personal Commandments

Today’s activity comes courtesy of The Happiness Project, a huge resource of tips, resolutions and exercises on how to improve your own happiness. You could wade through this website for hours but this was probably my favourite activity.

Personal Commandments to Live By

Difficulty Level – 2

This is more or less what it sounds like. We are going to do a set of commandments to live our lives by, only instead of the Bible to refer to, you get your own beliefs and attitudes to guide your way. I gave it a difficulty of 2 because it is a lot more self guided than yesterday’s exercise. But, yesterday’s can also lend itself to this. The original page gives all the tips on how to be as effective as possible with this activity so away we go!

Kate’s Personal Commandments to Live By

1. Be Kate – Love Kate
2. Forget Fear
3. Music Helps
4. On the Third Day, Do It – No Matter How Inconvenient
5. Actions Speak Louder Than Words
6. Baby Steps
7. SMILE!
8. Be Loving and Love Will Find You
9. Its About the Journey, Not the Destination
10. Slow Down – Breathe!

What are your personal commandments for living?

New Year’s Week

Every day this week, I am going to give a new activity to do everyday. Its kind of like resolutions, but I would like to think of it more as self exploration and personal growth. Some of these activities are short and some of them are long – but all of them are interesting and pretty worth doing. I am also going to give a difficulty level based on a score of 3 as a basic guide to time involvement, supplies needed and that sort of thing. I would love if you, dear readers, would do one, two or all along with me – or if nothing else, peruse the various other sites I will reference during this project. So, let’s get started

Personal Mission Statement

Difficulty Level – 1

The Personal Mission Statement comes courtesy of Franklin Covey. It is an online tool and is extremely easy and accessible. You answer a series of questions about yourself and the computer gives a nice little chart a personal mission statement. You can also order a poster of this if you are so inclined, but I was happy enough just to post my results here (and put them up on my new collage in my room.)

Kate’s Mission Statement

1. I am at my best when I am relaxed and content.
2. I will try to prevent times when I am stressed and self conscious.
3. I will enjoy my work by finding employment where I can engage with patients/students whilst caring/teaching.
4. I will find enjoyment in my personal life through creating and performing.
5. I will find opportunities to use my natural talents and gifts such as music, teaching and listening.
6. I can do anything I set my mind to. I will write songs, stories, poetry and compositions and I will sing and perform.
7. My life’s journey is to give women hope for themselves and their bodies when returning from ed and depression. I am doing to help myself and others and to take what I have learned to a larger stage. I would hope that others would find the hope to recover and seek help.
8. I will be a person who my friends will be glad to know. I would hope that a husband and children would be in my life and that they would be grateful for me as a mother. I would like my patients to say that I cared and improved their quality of life.
9. My most important future contribution to others will be to share my experiences to give them hope when they are upset and afraid.

10. I will stop procrastinating and start work to stop giving into fear and unpleasant feelings associated with relationships with people, food and myself

11. I will strive to incorporate the following attributes into my life:

• Freedom to create
• Be yourself no matter what
• Self exploration and inner peace

12. I will constantly renew myself by focusing on the four dimensions of my life:

• Regular yoga, balanced eating and running
• Meditation, journaling and blogging and exploring my own beliefs and attitudes
• Develop good coping skills and engage in creative activities
• Be more trusting in people, be as social as possible whilst maintaining balance, spend time with family

If you are as oddly satisfied with personal development exercises as I am, this is a good one to try

Happy new year kids.

New Month Resolutions

Today’s post comes from my sleepy brain and is based on the fact that I have a very short attention span. I read a lot of blogs and my love for the things in the Sparkley and Sexy category has exploded of late. This time last year I was obsessed with fitness blogs so it’ll be interesting to see what I am reading in January 2013. Anyway, down to business.

New Month Resolutions

Difficulty – 1

Why start a vague and unspecific goal for the entire year (such as Eat Healthy or Lose Weight) only to give it up by the end of January anyway? Which is why I propose, small goals for one month to ease you in to the new habit you want to develop, enjoying the sense of achievement at the end of the month and then, growing from there. By all means think big in the long term but remember – gay marriage wasn’t built in a day. (Come on. It wouldn’t be me without a sly nod to LGBT rights.)

Psychology suggests that our brain reacts to things in three ways

• Affective (thoughts)
• Emotional (feelings)
• Behavioural (actions)

and so I have created one achievable goal under each of these headings for the month of January.  When February rolls around, I can reassess and see what I can change and improve.

Resolution 1 – Affective 

• Big Picture – Use your brain to achieve your goals
• January Goal – Take an online French course to refresh language ability
• Why? I want to work in France and Canada at some point and this will make me more employable

Resolution 2 – Emotional

• Big Picture – Become a more caring and trusting person in all relationships
• January Goal – Take note of and avoid negative reactions to fearful situations, such as opening up and anxiety provoking social situations
• Why? I use dark humour and coldness to avoid getting hurt and exposed which will affect my relationships and own happiness long term

Resolution 3 – Behavioural

• Big Picture – Establish a regular exercise routine and improve fitness
• January Goal – Sparkpeople January Jumpstart Challenge, which involves 30 minutes of cardio 5 times a week and one 10 minute video per day (I am one week done already )
• Why? My personal health should be a priority and exercise improves my mental and physical state.

What are your goals for January?