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Its Florence Nightingale’s birthday so its the day to celebrate nurses around the world.
I’m quite tired. I find it semi-hilarious that when I’m quite tired I tend to blog instead of sleep. Clearly I have my priorities straight.
I’m still very busy, I have scripts and dances and songs to learn for work, facts about heart conditions and hereditary diseases to learn for college, plans and protocols to learn for my impending role as VP/Secretary for Out in UL. I have to skip the Great Limerick Run in favour of rehearsals but I am still hoping to do my birthday race so am trying to fit in runs. I am not sure how well I am doing but I’m tipping away.
I am now at the level of tired that all I want to do with my life is read books and record songs and write random poems for random boys. In short, its the time of year when I want to just be an artiste, knowing full well that given the opportunity I would spend all my time on facebook. I blame exams.
So I’m going to take Damien Rice’s advice and Sleep. Don’t Weep. And carry on.
In my college newspaper…
In an article about porn…
With no paragraphs…
But still!
Go here (page 19) and read it!
Instead of studying, I joined Tumblr. I think I have a new addiction.
Instead of studying, I made another music video and have in the mean time decided I come across as a bit of an idiot so it is staying off the internet as of now.
Instead of studying, I played lots of piano and sang Cry Me A River over and over again.
And I’m still pretty sure I aced that exam. I’m so grateful for my weirdly sponge-like brain.
There are many things. Exams, for one. I haven’t done an exam since my Leaving Cert. Bah. Physics is surprisingly doable. Psychology is surprisingly arduous and lame. But it turns out that an A is only 70% in college. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I’ll take it without complaint.
I am going to Nerd Ball after the holidays. So I need to find a dress for that and Aimee will be my guide on this coming Tuesday. We have yet to decide how fancy we should go. On one hand, balls can be considered as formal as a Debs. On the other hand, Nerd Ball is a collaborative effort by Game Soc, Anime and Manga, Computer Club, Chess Club, Lit Soc, Forum Soc and the Maths Society. So, who really knows? I’ll update if I find something glorious. Or at least something cute like these. 
We had our last Forum Soc event of the semester after our stunning appraisal. All my references will include David Bowie for a while, because we watched Jim Henson’s Labyrinth (starring Jennifer Connelly’s Eyebrows and David Bowie’s Penis.) It is one of the most truly amazing movies of all time. And we learn so much, like be a good babysitter and don’t offer your stepbrother up to goblins, life isn’t fair so stop bitching about it, owls are really David Bowie in disguise, David Bowie can control the space time continuum and David Bowie’s very prominent penis will take over every shot it is in. You might even notice that David Bowie is attached occasionally.
There are various other things occurring in my life that my many friends are getting an earful of, and yet I think that maybe the internet is not the best discussion forum. For now.
- The first time you eat fish after over 6 months is distressing and a bit of a waste of money because you will give most of it away. Luckily, my friends can handle my crazy emotions. But the second time is a little better. And I hope it will get better from here.
- There is a damn sight more than Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. Try LGBTQCISAP on for size
- I’m still shit at bowling.
- Two nights out in a row is exhausting.
- Nobody cares, Token.
- There is always a way to make a gayer exit (for example, singing the Sound of Music.)
- Its really awkward when you wake up from an overcrowded room to find that your society president had a double bed to himself. Mutiny much?
- Racist humour is uncomfortable.
- Dead baby jokes are hilarious.
- I am learning so much about myself everyday, some I like and some I don’t. But either way, its me, I guess.
I am in college again. Actually, I have been in college a week now. What the what?! I get to do Sciencey things like anatomy and biochemistry and practical stuff like peri-operative care and health psychology. But more importantly, UL is letting me live my life.
Lovely things include: Forum Soc (of which I am treasurer.) Costies. Foam Party on Monday. Many other parties during Fresher’s week. Making friends in my course. Making friends in other course. Shy dates in Starbucks. Running in a very pretty location. Being so busy that I often forget that I ever had something as annoying as an eating disorder. Winning the ultimate Twister championship (it may have helped that I was sober…)
I woke up today with a smile on my face. I fucking love my life.
One Year Ago, I accepted my place in Medicine in UCC.
Today, I accepted my place in Nursing in UL.
One Year Ago, I was dangerously underweight.
Today, I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life (albeit technically overweight…but health is achievable at EVERY size.)
One Year Ago, my priority was wasting away to as low a weight as I could.
Today, my priority is making the best life possible for both me and the people I love.
One Year Ago, I felt like a child overwhelmed.
Today, I feel like a confident adult.
One Year Ago, everyday was a struggle.
Today, I appreciate life.
Its amazing the difference a year can make.
I’m not going to lie: this is far from an easy post to write, so unsurprisingly, its coherence is shaky and ommissions are frequent, with many a detail undocumented. But I’m going to write it and become accountable and responsible and all that jazz that comes with being a grown up. In many ways, 2010 was the worst year of my life. And yet, some of the most amazing times I have experienced have occured in the last 12 months. How I saw things during the year was altogether very dependent on how half-full or half-empty I was seeing the glass on any given day.
I’ve been told I have bad coping skills. I think I’ll agree. When it came to my first breakup, I was fine for a week before I went a day without much food, almost fainted off a bike in spinning class and cried all the way home. On top of this, I sat the HPAT, the most terrifying test I have done to date. I prepped for my Leaving Cert by studying from the moment I came home until bed time (with breaks for Grey’s Anatomy.) I was violently ill multiple times, including before my Chemistry exam and at Oxegen. Poor mom had to to listen to me bawl about how much I hated 6th Year many a time. I was a flaming disgrace at Mardi Gras. I had a few run ins with the boy of the aforementioned break up. I ate until I wanted to vomit and then I ate some more. I went without food and ran. I was completely overwhelmed by Medicine and left. I went from around 135lbs to 104lbs in 9 months. I have had days when I have wanted to do nothing but stay in bed. I hit rock bottom in Cork, summarised by an expensive ready meal.
But on the other hand…
I had the greatest school days of my life with the best friends ever. I turned 18. I started singing with Dad in the pub. I got 590 points in my Leaving Cert. I had X Factor nights. I had an epic time in summer camp. I spent a lovely three months with the only boy to every treat me nicely, and am luckily still his friend. I went out on the town – and to the Coach. I got Medicine – and in dropping out, realised what I actually want to do with my life. I finally got the courage to say that I needed to get help and I am finally working on getting healthy. Sinead introduced me to the most beautiful place in Ireland – and taught me to fish. I found yoga – saving my life one asana at a time. I gave up caffeine and alcohol. I found a doctor who just seems to get me. I came home. I made excellent friends in my brief time in UCC. I had the opportunity to tutor and teach. I found inspiration and support through blogging, books and the people around me.
2010 was hard. And I’m not writing this for pity or advice or what have you. 2011 could be just as difficult but by writing all this down, I can try and make sure I don’t let things get that bad again. I have to keep reminding myself that it was worth it. I am on the road to being physically and mentally stronger than I have ever been. I am learning to get my priorities straight. I am learning to exercise for fun, not calories, and am rediscovering food, fun and being social. I want 2011 to be the year I run 10k, the year I climb a mountain, the year I find balance, the year I face my demons, the year I accept things for what they are, the year to find a happy weight, the year to learn the things I love, the year I undo seven years of bad habits and take responsibilty, the year I open up and the year I show my family and friends how much I appreciate them.
2011 is the year to build some character and bang out the goods.
I’ll keep you posted kids.
Its a pleasant change from the last week, where I have been as dozy as a… well, I can’t think of a hilarious analogy right now but at least I am feeling more like my usual self. I think the lack of caffeine has something to do with it. And for the record, Decaf Lyons is not the same as Lyons. But it grows on you. Options Belgian Choc is the better (if unhealthier) option.
Bad points of the day included our lack of house meeting (and thus my lack of important announcement) and also my slowly re-emerging anxiety. Which I am determined to get the upper hand on.
Good points of the day included my chat with my mom, which quelled aforementioned anxiety somewhat, playing Singstar for ages with Sinead and losing my voice, watching Mean Girls on RTE (always a win “say crack again” “Crack”) and talking to Clo about Rocky Horror on the way home from the gym.
Which leads me to my next point. For the first time in 2 weeks, I went to the gym. For reasons which I may or may not delve into at a later date, I put a halt on my gym going so as to completely rehaul my mindset regarding food and fitness. But my energy had returned so I accompanied Sinead. I am under parental orders to take it easy so I did 20 minutes on the stepper (not that taxing, nice and low impact, I promise) and then spurred on by that achievement, did a very short 10 minute run. It was amazing. I forgot what it was like to run for the sheer love of it. So I must slowly incorporate it back into my life.
Also, my new motto (courtesy of Hangry Pants) is “No one ever got fat from eating too many roasted vegetables.” I am aware that it is completely random but damnit, I’ll sew it on a quilt I love it so much.
And for a second also, milk and sesame seeds make for an epic addition to porridge. Just saying.
Beaucoup d’amour, mes chers
